While cult directors make films about love, and musicians sing about it in their tracks, humanity continues to ask questions about that very great feeling.
We spoke with psychologist Diana Sakharova and Doctor of Biology, Chairman of the Board of the Evolution Foundation Alexander Markov. We asked the experts fifteen most obvious questions about the difference between love and falling in love, whether people are programmed for monogamy and how to survive a breakup with minimal damage to the psyche.
What is love anyway?
Everyone talks about “love”, but no one knows what it is - the phenomenon has not been properly studied even by specialists. Different people in different cultures and at different times have endowed it with different definitions. But the meaning of this concept is much wider than just “two adults who say to each other” I love you “”. Psychologists say that love in general is not necessarily associated with one specific person. It is much broader - it is a setting that sets the vector of a person’s relationship to the world as a whole. If he has feelings only for one person and does not tolerate everyone around, this is no longer love, but symbiotic dependence or exaggerated selfishness. In the end, love is not just “find one object and then everything will be fine”, it is much more picturesque.
Biologists in their writings explore the neurochemical and evolutionary basis of human love. They also divide feelings into passionate-romantic, long-term stable (marital) and parental relationships. One way or another, love is a dopaminergic motivation for the formation of pair bonds. Or, if in a simple way, the creation of a setting for the formation of a strong social connection with a particular individual.
Why do we fall in love with similar types of people?
It is not known if this is backed up by science, but observations show that this is possible. Tastes in humans are formed as they develop and concern all areas: from style of clothing and genre of music to preferences in food and cinema. To a lesser extent, it depends on genetics, to a greater extent - on upbringing and environmental conditions.
From the point of view of psychology, this “rake run” is needed for one reason - to play an undeveloped template. At an unconscious level, a person wants to bring a certain scenario to a logical resolution and “live at last” this trauma.
How to understand that love is mutual?
The most effective way is to approach and in all sincerity ask about it. Of course, playing in your head the game “what if yes, and if not?” sometimes it’s exciting. But you can exclude these fortune-telling on a magic ball and get an answer much faster. And fans of playing Sherlock Holmes can pay attention to not always obvious signs: probably, a person has feelings for you, if he wants to get to know you better, “mirrors” your emotions, looks for meetings, tries to find common interests, makes common plans for the future. All this may speak of love, or it may not speak of absolutely anything. And yes, the most reliable answer will be given by the person himself.
When does love turn into love and what is the reason for this?
Falling in love and love are two completely different things, and it is not at all necessary that one will develop into the other. But this often happens. The first is a state of euphoria and obsession, an emotional outburst and a storm of hormones. It lasts on average from two to three months to two years. Love, on the other hand, is a conscious choice and the work of two people on relationships: these are forces, time and a desire to be together. She appears much later. According to various sources, it will take from one and a half to five years to form this deep feeling.
Does love at first sight exist?
No, it’s a myth. Psychologists and biologists disagree. The first believe that at first sight there is only love. The latter completely reject the idea of this phenomenon. According to recent research, instant love through the unconscious perception of chemical signals (that same love at first sight) simply cannot be. Other mammals and vertebrates, in which the vomeronasal system is not so strongly reduced, are more susceptible to this feeling. In humans, it is broken by mutations and practically out of order.
Is it possible to love two or more people at the same time? I think it’s called polyamory.
In most cases, this is a tribute to fashion and a desire to cover up their unresolved injuries. Unfortunately, little is known about this yet to claim any certainty.
Purely theoretically, there should be no obstacles to this. If a person can love wine and steaks, coffee and cheese at the same time, then why can’t he have several potential or actual sexual partners at the same time. Humans are not programmed for monogamy and can experience attraction and interest in several objects at once.
How is falling in love different from love?
Short-term attraction or falling in love is different from long-term attachment: the first is initially aimed exclusively at reproduction, and the second is something like a stable habit.
Experiencing love, a person seeks only to stay longer next to the object of sighing. However, he does not notice any shortcomings in the partner. Love is the desire to grow and develop in order for the partner to grow and develop. And the most important thing in this phenomenon is the acceptance of the object with all its advantages and disadvantages.
There is an opinion that a person can truly love only once in a lifetime. This is true?
Experts in the field of psychology believe that this is a myth that romanticized persons came up with. If this happens, it is connected either with the conscious choice of each person, or with the fear of intimacy in relation to a new partner.
The researchers also have no reason to assume this. The system in the brain that is responsible for the formation of attachments functions throughout life. In addition, falling in love and acute drug addiction have a lot in common from the point of view of neuroscience. Here, too, we can first become addicted to one, then to another - there is no mechanism that would prevent new attachments from forming.
It is believed that we choose partners who are similar to the father or mother. It’s true?
Yes, that is right. Psychoanalysts talk about this especially in depth. People act out those scenarios that they didn’t play out in childhood. For example, in childhood, a mother says to her child: “Of course, you’re doing well with me, but you can do even better!” As a result, he grows up and looks for (of course, unconsciously) a similar partner who will say “I love you, but try harder!”. A person is familiar with this pattern, and he knows how to behave in it.
Aesthetic and romantic preferences are formed on the basis of childhood impressions and love for parents. In any case, this is true in animals, but biologists admit that such a mechanism for choosing partners is also characteristic of humans.
Love for a lifetime - is it real?
As you wish, so be it. Love and relationships are the work of two adults and people who are ready for this.
Why do we suddenly stop loving?
Suddenly nothing happens: it is an accumulative process. One, two, three, and only then it happens. “Suddenly” happens only in fairy tales.
How to distinguish love from addiction, habit?
At the psycho-physiological level, there is practically no difference between love and habit. In both cases, the dopaminergic system is involved. At this level, love is a form of habit. That is, it is absolutely impossible to distinguish between these two phenomena.
If you get away from psychophysiology, then love is an attempt by one person to get the location of another. Sooner or later, this process stops and people (and this is an absolutely false belief) consider it habitual and unnecessary. Often they also say: “It seems that I love, but without any special emotional outbursts.” Of course, no splashes! You cannot purchase more dispositions than is possible. After that, many of the partners begin to panic and spoil such relationships. In the meantime, this should not be done at all.
Are there people who never fall in love?
Theoretically, this is possible. But if they say “and I have an acquaintance …”, you can be sure that this very acquaintance is just a person with an undeveloped fear of intimacy. The ability to love is formed from childhood. If a child grows up in the love of others, this “function” develops. However, with a lack of feeling in childhood in an adult, the ability to love is suppressed by his own ego.
The formation of attachments, behaviors, habits, mannerisms are all functions that may or may not work. Any system can fail. For example, a person is inherently predisposed to empathy. But this does not eliminate the existence of psychopaths - people who are not able to show empathy. The same can be true with love.
Why do people cheat even on those they love?
It is important to remember that two people are involved in a relationship. As a result, there are always two people to blame. If one is missing something in a relationship, he will go to the side and find what he needs. Therefore, the skill of pronouncing your claims is of great importance. From here grow the legs of the myth about the search for a new love experience. Any “new” you can try to lose in your relationship. This also includes cases of “drunk” and “it happened” - there are no accidents in psychoanalysis. Unconsciously, this betrayal already existed in the head of a person long before the sexual act itself.
Its end. How to survive a breakup?
With minimal damage to yourself and your psyche - in therapy with a psychologist or psychotherapist.